I’m going to set you to ignore after this (thanks for letting me know I could do that, folks), so message away.
However, I have gotten a few other (much more polite) requests to explain the whole ‘what happens when she says no’ thing - and since I’ve been doing a lot of general BDSM advice here lately, I suppose I can try to explain how this works in practice (or at least our version of it).
As a background, you might want to read about consensual non-consent. Our dynamic in this matter can probably be described as consensual non-consent lite.
In theory, we have agreed that she cannot say no to sex. In practice I can and do force her on the rare occasions that she tries. It’s usually some of our best sex, tbh. But she also has a safeword for emergencies of any kind. It’s never been used as a way to get out of sex, but it’s there.
The thing is, when you read about this situation in your head you immediately go to the worst case scenario, with her suffering terribly and me forcing myself on her. But in reality, that doesn’t happen for a simple reason - I’m not an asshole and quite frankly I don’t enjoy myself unless she’s having a great time. If she is sad, or upset, or isn’t turned on - that’s not fun for me. I’m actually a fairly empathetic person, it makes me an effective sadist - If she is upset or bothered about something, I know. She consistently responds to me asserting myself with arousal, and that is what makes the whole thing hot for both of us. If that wasn’t the case, or if I had a habit of pushing at the wrong time, we wouldn’t do what we’re doing.
BDSM involves a lot of trust, judgement, and an exchange of power. If giving up certain kinds of power doesn’t turn you on, you shouldn’t do it. If you feel like your partner is abusing that power, you shouldn’t do it. Part of the reason why me and Snow have this dynamic and enjoy it, is because I’m not an dick about it, and she trusts me to have her best interests in mind. And the most important reason I enjoy putting her in her place on occasion is because I know how fulfilling it feels for her to be reminded of her role (which reaffirms my own role and makes me feel fulfilled - it’s submission I want, not obedience).
D/s is a two way streak. I get no enjoyment out of dominating someone who isn’t enjoying submitting to me. I don’t want to be a bully or a dictator. There is a complicated feedback loop going on, sort of - but suffice to say that most doms are very concerned about their submissive’s happiness, and despite looking like we’re just exerting our will and kinks on them, often we’re more invested in their ultimate enjoyment than our own. This is why we intentionally look for partners for whom certain kinds of suffering are the way to paradise, as opposed to a non-kinky partner who will take domestic abuse without going to the cops.
And Snow had no listed kinks at all when we met - but she expressedly stated that she was more interested in submission and would take on whatever activities and kinks her new owner required. Considering that she was well aware of my interests before we met, you could say she hasn’t changed at all and is doing just what she set out to.
This may be the best piece of advice I have seen.
Thank you! I’ve tried to write something better on this topic a few times and have always failed. I’m not sure if it’s “best ever” worthy though, that has it competing with “wear sunscreen” and we all know how that goes :)
