- Apollo: trash
- Jason: trash
- Medea: dubiously evil queen of my heart
- Agamemnon: dead trash
- Clytemnestra: takes out the trash
- Zeus: walk of shame incarnate
- Hermes: little shit
- Hestia: literally no one talks about her
- Artemis: #misandry
- Hera: woman, scorned
- Hades: goth wannabe shit baby
- Persephone: Per-Step-On-Me
- Ares: God Of War ™
- Aphrodite: Walk Walk Fashion Baby
- Cronus: hide yo kids, hide yo wife
- Athena: i feel like she plays baseball probably
- Achilles: I Love My Dead Gay Son
- Patroclus: “Geez Achilles find your chill.”
- Orpheus: Gay
- Hephaestus: allll byyyy myyyyseeEEEeelf
- Heracles: why does no one talk about him mucking out those stables?
- Odysseus: total piece of shit
- Chiron: tired of everyone’s shit
- Hecate: my wife
EDITED TO ADD THE FOLLOWING - Patroclus (alt.): Oh look at that. I’ve been impaled.
- Poseidon: I think you mean Broseidon, bro to the fishes and ponies
- Dionysus: ambiguously queer and perpetually sloshed
- Oedipus: the loser of every ‘yo momma’ battle
- Ajax: Stronger than Grease ™ <-soap reference in case it’s too obscure
- Circe: basically that scene in Monty Python where all the evil ladies wanna bang
- Tiresias: Bet he didn’t see that one coming.
- Cassandra: got the short end of every stick
- Antigone: that play from high school english that everyone sparknoted
- Cerberus: whozagoodboyden
- Hyacinth: what kind of asshole gets killed by a discus?
- Hippolytus: a fedora sporting MRA
- Romulus: moon
- Remus: moon
- Narcissus: Treat Yo Self
