🎉Eurovision Week has begun, so I thought i’d make a survival guide for The Rest Of The World who are crying and have no idea what the fuck is going on 🎉
- Eurovision was set up to genuinely bring peace to Europe after the misery of WW2. Europe literally thought fuck it the best way to make us all like each other is get hot girls and gay men to perform absolutely ridiculous songs. And they were so right. Last years winner was Conchita Wurst, dubbed ‘The Bearded Lady.’ Conchita won the contest for Austria, who are now this years host nation.
- Eurovision has launched the career of some of your parents faves, including Abba, Celine Dion and Bucks Fizz.
- Normally around 40 countries enter, which are whittled down to the low-mid 20s for the Finale. This years semi finals are on Tuesday 19th May and Thursday 21st May, with the Grand Finale being on Saturday 23rd May. Viewership is around 180 million.
- Entrants have to qualify in the Semi Finals to advance into the Finals. 10 from Semi Final 1 and 10 from Semi Final 2 join the Big Six in the Grand Finale. The Big Six includes: United Kingdom, Italy, Germany, France, Spain and whoever the host nation is. As it’s the 60th anniversary of Eurovision, Australia have been invited to compete due to it’s cult following down under and form a ‘Big Seven’. We literally break the geographical rules of the land for a competition that’s costume budget is into the hundreds of millions
- Previous entries have included: Russian Grannies baking on stage then throwing it down, A man dressed as a big shiny fat star singing about his passion for dance, A group of alien demon monsters performing Hard Rock Hallelujah. Some countries however take it very seriously, such as Sweden. Sweden have a national selection competition before Eurovision, and the winner represents Sweden at ESC. This is probably why Sweden provide the best ever pop songs ever in the Eurovision. Greece are normally good as well. (In the middle of their financial crisis they put out a song called Alcohol Is Free which literally was those words repeated for 3 minutes to the sound of ska music).
- Voting is done 50% a professional jury (yes, I said professional, this gets taken seriously) and 50% a tele-vote. These votes are then combined together and awarded to to the 10 best countries. 1st place gets douze points (the most iconic part of European dialect ever), 2nd place is awarded 10 points, 3rd place 8, then 4th-10th place get 7-1. Eastern Europe tends to vote for Eastern Europe, and some political tactics are used to manipulate voting. Yes, people use Grannies and Demons to orchestrate the most sinister political plans.
- Ireland have won the contest the most, with seven wins. Norway have been last on the leaderboard a record eleven times. Until Alexander Rybak literally snatched the entire weave population of Europe in 2009 with Fairytale and literally bulldozed over all of his competition.
- But the most important thing to remember:
Everyone
Hates
The
UK
That’s All!
