Tomato

A Guide To Greek Gods and Heroes:

clearancecreedwatersurvival

Apollo: trash
Jason: trash
Medea: dubiously evil queen of my heart
Agamemnon: dead trash
Clytemnestra: takes out the trash
Zeus: walk of shame incarnate
Hermes: little shit
Hestia: literally no one talks about her
Artemis: #misandry
Hera: woman, scorned
Hades: goth wannabe shit baby
Persephone: Per-Step-On-Me
Ares: God Of War ™
Aphrodite: Walk Walk Fashion Baby
Cronus: hide yo kids, hide yo wife
Athena: i feel like she plays baseball probably
Achilles: I Love My Dead Gay Son
Patroclus: “Geez Achilles find your chill.”
Orpheus: Gay
Hephaestus: allll byyyy myyyyseeEEEeelf
Heracles: why does no one talk about him mucking out those stables?
Odysseus: total piece of shit
Chiron: tired of everyone’s shit
Hecate: my wife

EDITED TO ADD THE FOLLOWING
Patroclus (alt.): Oh look at that. I’ve been impaled.
Poseidon: I think you mean Broseidon, bro to the fishes and ponies
Dionysus: ambiguously queer and perpetually sloshed
Oedipus: the loser of every ‘yo momma’ battle
Ajax: Stronger than Grease ™ <-soap reference in case it’s too obscure
Circe: basically that scene in Monty Python where all the evil ladies wanna bang
Tiresias: Bet he didn’t see that one coming.
Cassandra: got the short end of every stick
Antigone: that play from high school english that everyone sparknoted
Cerberus: whozagoodboyden
Hyacinth: what kind of asshole gets killed by a discus?
Hippolytus: a fedora sporting MRA
Romulus: moon
Remus: moon
Narcissus: Treat Yo Self